I am not throwin' away my shot

Opening

I am not throwin’ away my shot.

Hey yo, I’m just like my country: I’m young, scrappy, and hungry.

And I’m not throwin’ away my shot.

I got an invitation to the Apple Developer Academy @ BINUS Tangerang interview process. I was happy, mostly because I did not expect to make it this far—at least, not this year.

The line from Hamilton kept returning to me. Not because I suddenly felt fearless, but because I did not want fear to make the decision for me.

How I Found ADA

My coding journey only began a few months ago, in April. I made Folio for myself, without imagining it would lead anywhere beyond a small personal project.

Later, I found an AMA about ADA through #KaburAjaDulu, a Discord community for Indonesians exploring work as diaspora. That was the first time ADA felt like something I could actually try for, rather than something meant for other people.

Then the invitation arrived.

The Confidence Gap

I wanted to publish this the day after receiving my FGD invitation. I drafted the opening, then left it unfinished. I had promised myself I would write at least once a month. I did not keep that promise.

Maybe that delay says something about the real story. I was not only preparing for an FGD. I was trying to convince myself that I belonged in the room.

I joined an unofficial ADA preparation Discord. People there practised FGD almost every day. They spoke confidently, made sharp points, and seemed ready for every topic.

Watching them made my confidence shrink. I rarely speak Indonesian outside formal settings, so even introducing an idea can feel slow and awkward. I kept comparing my inside to everyone else’s outside.

Of course, that Discord was not the whole picture. The people who seek out a preparation server and practise every day are already a particularly prepared group. Still, knowing that did not make comparison disappear.

Learning to Speak

I joined a few practice sessions. Usually, we were split into two teams, asked to discuss a topic, and then debate it. Other times, everyone researched independently before building a short presentation together.

Honestly, I did not do very well. It was not that I had nothing to say; I just was not good at speaking in that kind of online space. Some people feel safe online, but I do not. I stay careful and respectful, and that often makes me awkward. Under time pressure, I sometimes stopped in the middle of a sentence, confused about how to answer or what to say next.

Before one session, I read Dan Luu’s “How to look stupid”. It stayed with me, especially alongside an ADA alumnus’s advice: speak when you have something to add, do not dominate, and choose empathy over ego.

That changed the task for me. I did not need to become the loudest person in the room. I needed to listen carefully, contribute honestly, and help the group move forward.

The Shot

I still do not know how this process will end. There is no neat conclusion here yet, no acceptance story, and no lesson wrapped with a ribbon.

But I know this: applying was already a way of taking my shot. Joining the practices, even when I felt behind, was another one. Speaking imperfectly is still better than letting fear speak for me.

Maybe being young, scrappy, and hungry does not mean feeling ready. Maybe it means showing up before you are ready—and giving yourself the chance to grow into the person who is.

For now, that is enough. I am still here. I am still trying. And I am not throwin’ away my shot.